Self Tanner
by Insanity's Partner
Summary: I pivoted in the mirror, staring at my naked, orange body. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea, after all. [Edward ponders the effects of Self Tanner on a vampire.] [Oneshot]
1. Orange

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are Sthenie Meyer's. However, the rediculous ideas, and situations I place them in belong to me.

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**Self-Tanner:**

**_One-Shot_**

_Hmm,_ I thought, examining myself in the mirror. _Maybe self-tanner wasn't such a good idea._

I did a pivot in the mirror, craning my neck around to stare at my naked body, which was now a bright orange color.

_Definitely not a good idea. _

I walked over to the seldom used bathroom and turned the hot water knob all the way up on the shower, almost instantly turning the large room into a sauna.

I grabbed the old, unused loofah(sp?) and stepped into the heavy stream of water. I didn't panic when I saw that none of the color was going down the drain.

I still didn't panic when I tried wiping the color away.

I DID however start panicking when I found that it wasn't washing away as I scrubbed vigorously at the odious orange hue with the scratchy brush.

Then I heard them laughing. Loudly. Their thoughts ran loudly in my mind.

_HA! Putting the orange dye in the bottle of self-tanner was the best idea Alice had EVER come up with!! I'll have to thank her for getting back at Edward for me for busting the TV._

My venom boiled in my veins. Steam built up in my head.

"ALICE!!!!!!!! EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I threw aside the shower curtain, grabbing for any towel I could find, and stormed downstairs to find the whole family in the living room.

Bella, included.

If I didn't have to hold up my towel, I would have lunged at Emmett right then and there.

"YOU THINK THIS IS _FUNNY_?!?!?!" I yelled, gesturing to my orange-y-ness with one hand. The other hand holding tight to my towel.

Everyone stared for a minute, unbelieving, and then burst into laughter.

"It's not funny!" I roared.

"Relax, Edward." Alice said, in between cackles. "It'll come off in a week."

"A WEEK?!!" I snarled, Bella's hands going up to meet her ears.

Emmett laughed harder. "You deserve it dude, you busted my TV!"

I growled, deep in my throat, and then launched myself at him, temporarily forgetting about my towel.

I punched and clawed at his face, trying my best to cause him harm, but they peeled me off, holding me back.

"Let go of me!" I yelled, trying pointlessly to punch him in the face again.

I turned to look around the room briefly.

Bella stared at me with a strange look on her face.

Then I looked down.

Towel. Dropped. Naked. Orange. Bella. Staring.

I made a noise similar to a squeal, and jumped forward for my towel, wrapping it around my waist, sure that I was blushing… Even without my blood.

I was sure I would die of embarrassment.

"B-b-b-Bella, I-uh, I, I…" I said, as I slowly backed up to go upstairs.

"Dude!" Emmett howled with laughter, "You aren't supposed to put the tanner EVERYWHERE!"

Suddenly, I turned around and sped upstairs, trying to ignore the raucous laughter behind me. I slammed my door and locked it, blasting music as loud as I could stand with my heightened senses.

Throwing on clothes as fast as I could, gritting my teeth from embarrassment.

I wanted to smash something, but I couldn't find anything I wouldn't regret having destroyed. So I sat down on the couch and buried my face in my hands.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Go AWAY!" I roared at the door.  
"Edward, it's me." It was Bella.

For a split second, I contemplated telling her to leave me alone, but I knew instantly that it would be a huge mistake, and that she might make me feel better.

I got up and unlocked the door, pulling her in and locking it behind her. The lock was totally useless, regardless. But anyone who knocked the door down would have to face Esme… Something no one wanted to do when it had to do with defacing her house.

She sat down on the couch, looking at me curiously.

"What?!" I snapped, angry.

"Nothing." She said, quickly looking away, hurt. My gaze softened and I walked over to her and sat next to her on the couch, taking her hand.

"I'm sorry." I said. She looked into my eyes, becoming briefly dazed before looking away and muttering forgiveness.

"I love you." I said, kissing her hand.  
"I love you, too." She said.

She didn't say anything else, and the silence was starting to annoy me. "What are you thinking?" I finally asked, piqued.

"Nothing." She said, and I breathed an agitated breath.

"Just tell me, Bella." I said, through clenched teeth.

"Um… Just that…" she said, taking a deep breath. "I think orange is my new favorite color."

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Haha, I like this one, lol.

It, like everything else I ever say or do, was a lot funnier in my mind when I first came up with the idea… But I think it's still funny, lol.

Haha, poor Edward.


	2. Renouncement

Given some of the flames I received, I decided to edit this Author's Note.

I'm renouncing my Twilight Fandom for several reasons.

The first being that everyone has noticed the quality of her books taking a massive downward spiral. I think to her, it's becoming like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

I'm not going to pretend I didn't like Twilight and New Moon, but enough is enough. I'm not going to say I didn't like Breaking Dawn, but if I was being honest with myself, I'd have to say I enjoyed laughing it it much more than I enjoyed reading it.

The second reason is that Stephenie Meyer's book got leaked all over the internet, and now she's whining and crying, "Oh, I cannot go on!"

As if it's never happened before. Seth MacFarlane was pissed when The Family Guy Movie had a massive leak a few days before it was released, but he didn't just pull the plug and cry, "You hurt me so badly! I can never give out my manuscript to you random shady-looking people if you're all just going to leak it!"

Frankly, it's her fault for giving it out in the first place.

I also feel like there's a pretty good chance that she leaked it herself. She said that her first impulse was to not continue, and then she assured everyone that it was only on hold, but that's a lie. She put the draft on her website for everyone to read. As long as it's there, she can't publish it because it would violate her copyright. She knows this. That was the reason she couldn't post the first chapter of Breaking Dawn on her website.

To me, that shows that she has no intent at all to publish it for as long as it's on her website. And even if she did still intend to publish it, she wouldn't have kept the book on her website so everyone could continue reading it. She would have taken it off in the hopes of keeping things from getting any worse.

She says, "But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here after _Midnight Sun_ page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest."

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but you can't find the leak anymore. Every single leak has been eliminated. If she didn't want her readers to read it, all she would have to do is keep it off of her site. Her readers wouldn't have to sacrifice anything because they wouldn't get the chance to see it.

On top of that, she's directing the Jack's Mannequin video...when did this happen? Did anyone see what they had to say about this? "No, there won't be any vampires, but there might be some mermaids."

_How are they letting her _do _this?!_ Has she brainwashed them or something?

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

-Val (Insanity's Partner)


End file.
